Today started with a cup.
A Stanley cup, specifically.
I had wanted the classic Stanley shape for quite a while, and last night I got an email about one from Starbucks. The moment I saw it, I already knew I wanted it.
Then this morning, while getting coffee before work, I checked my local Starbucks.
And there it was. On display.
Perfect.
The problem is, I’m currently very low on funds.
Payday is Thursday. Two days away.
Did that stop me?
Absolutely not.
I wanted it really, really, really badly, so I bought it.
Maybe tomorrow I won’t eat out.
Maybe I won’t hang out with friends.
Maybe that is financially questionable.
But look at it.
I regret nothing.
Also, I bought it from Starbucks because Stanley cups are one of those things that seem to have a million fake versions floating around online. Starbucks is an established retailer, so at least I can trust that what I bought is actually what I think I bought.
Worth it.
Probably.
Later, I checked the Rosie’s Instagram account and noticed something that made me ridiculously proud.
A post I personally uploaded was performing better than one created by the official marketing team.
Theirs had the advantage of being a collaboration with three other Rosie’s venues.
Mine didn’t.
And somehow mine still reached more people.
That felt good.
Really good.
Not because I suddenly missed having social media for myself.
That was actually the interesting part.
I can still use social media professionally.
I can still understand what works.
I can still make something that performs well and feel proud of it.
But none of that made me want to reactivate my own accounts.
And I can’t really explain why.
Maybe I don’t have to.
Maybe I’m starting to make peace with the fact that not everything I feel needs to be dissected until I understand it completely.
Maybe it’s enough to simply notice:
I’m proud of this.
And I still don’t want to go back.
Before work, I sat outside for a while.
I’ve sat there so many times that I couldn’t even begin to count them.
And somehow, today was the first time I really noticed the flowers next door.
They were beautiful.
That sounds so stupidly simple, but that was exactly what made it feel important.
How many times had I sat in that exact same place before?
How many times had those flowers probably been there?
And how many times had I looked down at my phone instead?
Today I just sat there.
Music playing.
People walking past.
I noticed what they were wearing.
I noticed the air.
I noticed how fresh it felt when I breathed in.
I noticed the cold breeze against my skin.
I didn’t really have anywhere else to be in my head.
I was just there.
Watching everything happen in real time.
I don’t really know how to describe that feeling yet.
Presence, maybe.
Stillness.
Relief.
I just know it felt nice.
At some point during the day, I also said something completely stupid:
“I should abuse people but here I am, abusing alcohol instead…”
To be clear, I am not abusing alcohol.
It was just one of those ridiculous sentences that normally would have immediately become an Instagram Note or a Story.
The kind of thought that appears in my head, makes me laugh, gets posted, and disappears.
Except now, I guess it ends up here.
Which is kind of funny.
Maybe I haven’t stopped wanting to share things.
Maybe I’ve just changed where I put them.
One of the people who has been tangled up in everything that happened recently was working today too.
At one point he said:
“I don’t need alcohol to have a good time, but it sure damn helps.”
I laughed.
But I also looked at him and felt something else.
I love him so much.
He is very, very good at hiding pain.
Maybe I don’t know exactly what he is feeling. I don’t want to pretend that I do.
But I can see enough to know that he is hurting too.
And right now, I don’t want to force anything out of him.
I don’t need him to explain himself.
I don’t need him to talk just because I think he should.
I just want him to feel comfortable.
I want him to know that he can sit beside me without owing me a conversation.
Maybe that is enough for now.
Later in the afternoon, the sun started coming through the venue.
Golden hour.
Normally, when I think about golden hour, I think about selfies.
Good lighting.
Pose properly.
Take twenty photos.
Pick the best one.
Edit it.
Think of a caption.
Post it.
Today I still took the selfie.
Of course I did.
But something was different.
The sunlight wasn’t valuable because it made me look good.
I could actually feel it.
The warmth on my face.
The light coming through the doors.
The way everything looked softer for a few minutes.
It felt so nice.
I think before, I would have immediately started thinking about how to make the moment look perfect.
Today, I just noticed that it already was.
And then something else happened.
I actually enjoyed work.
Not tolerated it.
Not survived it.
Not counted the hours until I could leave.
I had fun.
A feeling I honestly haven’t felt in a very long time.
I went around talking to customers.
Actually talking.
Not just taking orders and giving the right hospitality responses.
I interacted with people in real time.
I joked around.
I felt social.
I felt present.
And apparently my aura was doing something right today because multiple customers told me I was doing a good job.
I wish they knew how much those words meant to me.
They probably thought they were just giving me a compliment.
Something small.
Something they would forget five minutes later.
But today?
I needed to hear it.
And then one customer tipped me fifty dollars.
Proof.
I took a photo with the note because obviously I did.
But even that felt different somehow.
It wasn’t really about needing everyone else to know that I had a good moment.
I think I just wanted to remember it.
That seems to be the theme of today.
Remembering.
Not performing.
The Stanley cup made me happy.
The work post made me proud.
The flowers made me stop.
My friend made me care.
The sunlight made me feel.
The customers made me feel seen.
And somewhere in between all of that, I think I noticed something else.
Myself.
A little bit.
Not completely.
I’m not going to turn one good day into some dramatic declaration that everything is suddenly okay.
I don’t think that would be honest.
But today felt lighter.
And after how heavy everything has felt recently, I think I’m allowed to appreciate that without questioning it too much.
Maybe I really am starting to notice things again.
Not just flowers.
Not just sunlight.
Not just people walking past.
But the actual experience of being alive while all of it is happening.
And for today,
that feels like enough.