Today’s Co–Star said:
The decibel at which a person critiques you betrays the decibel at which they critique themselves.
And underneath that:
Extract what’s useful from their words, discard the venom. Their volume reveals their wounds, not your worth.
When I first read it, I almost laughed.
Because after everything that has been happening lately, I genuinely thought:
Alright.
Let’s see what people have to say about me today.
But I also made myself a promise.
Whatever happens, keep my demeanour.
Stay calm.
Don’t let somebody else decide what version of me shows up.
Before today properly started, though, there was still one thing from last night I wanted to remember.
After I stopped writing, one of my friends basically threatened me into going out.
Not actually threatened.
More like:
“If you don’t come, I’ll come pick you up from your house. I dare you.”
Apparently “I don’t feel like going out” was not being accepted as a final answer.
So yeah.
I had a shower.
Put on my best perfume combination.
Dior Sauvage + Ralph Lauren The Ralph’s Club.
Two very basic perfumes by themselves.
Together?
Dangerous.
I called an Uber and went to AA.
The second I arrived and saw how lively it was, I thought maybe this was actually the better decision.
Better than sitting alone in my room, overthinking everything.
My friend came alone, and I finally told him what had happened.
Why I had been so upset.
Why I felt like I was in such a delicate mental state.
I didn’t need him to solve anything.
I think I just needed someone outside the situation to hear it.
Then, after he finished his shift, Dylan showed up.
And I was genuinely so happy to see him.
My beloved friend.
My beloved Dylan.
Two fairly basic people in my life.
Together?
Apparently a dangerously effective combination for my happiness.
We didn’t even talk about anything particularly serious.
We mostly just sat there.
Quiet.
Existing beside each other.
And somehow that was enough.
Their presence was keeping me sane more than any advice probably could have.
Eventually Dylan decided to go home.
Fair enough.
I hadn’t invited him back to mine.
He hadn’t invited me back to his.
And after everything from the night before, I didn’t want to keep unloading more questions and emotions onto him.
He deserved his own bed.
His own space.
His own comfort.
I still texted him afterwards and admitted that I kind of wished I had followed him home because I really didn’t want to go back to mine.
He replied:
everything is fine.
Maybe that was all I needed to hear.
Then today actually started.
I woke up around 10:30 feeling exhausted.
My shift started at 12, so I knew I couldn’t go back to sleep.
But it still felt too early to properly get ready.
So I just lay there for a while.
Processing.
Thinking.
Thinking about everything that had happened.
Thinking about today’s Co–Star message.
Trying to work out what I was even feeling.
Eventually, around 11, it was time to face the music.
Shower.
Clothes.
Work.
Physically?
Prepared.
Mentally?
Absolutely not.
I didn’t even feel particularly sad or angry anymore.
Just exhausted.
Blank.
Like my brain was processing something somewhere in the background but had forgotten to tell me what.
I took the train to Waitematā and pre-ordered my coffee on the way.
Maybe coffee would cheer me up.
Nope.
I arrived at Rosie’s still dreading being there.
The restaurant was empty anyway, so I grabbed some food and told Lucas I’d start at 1 instead.
Then I sat in the office updating my Pokémon Journey and working on the layout for my card collection.
Apparently Pokémon cards are currently doing more for my mental state than employment.
I ate my food.
Around 1, the restaurant was still empty.
So I told everyone I was going for a walk.
When I came back, I spoke to James.
I apologised for lashing out at him over something that, realistically, could have been resolved pretty easily.
I told him I’m not in a particularly good mental state right now, and that was part of why my reaction became bigger than it needed to be.
He told me he understood.
He also said he would rather I lash out than bottle everything up inside.
And importantly, he acknowledged that part of the problem was his responsibility too.
That helped.
I told him the truth.
Physically, I was at work.
Mentally, I really wasn’t willing to work.
James told me that was okay.
If I didn’t want to work today, I didn’t have to.
So I asked him to put me down as annual leave.
Naturally, I then continued doing work anyway.
Because apparently taking annual leave while physically sitting inside your workplace still leaves plenty of opportunities to accidentally be productive.
The floor-training slides have been overdue for a while, so I sat in the office editing them.
When I got bored of the office, I took my laptop to Lula’s, got a drink, and continued working from there instead.
Annual leave.
Very relaxing.
Around 3:30, I knew Steve had started, so I went back to Rosie’s and told him James had approved me taking annual leave.
At least then he knew what was happening and could arrange whatever needed arranging.
By that point, I was completely done with work mentally.
So I sat in the office playing games and continuing to build my Pokémon card collection page instead.
And honestly?
I’m so proud of that page.
Maybe I wasn’t in the right headspace for work, but apparently I had plenty of energy for Pokémon.
By 6, I started wondering whether I should just go home, nap, and come back out later.
But Dylan started at 7.
And I already missed him.
Problem solved.
I decided I would just nap in the office and wait for him.
When he arrived, I gave him a quick hug and told him I was going home to sleep.
Then Lucas pointed out the obvious.
Why go all the way home just to come all the way back?
Just sleep in the office.
Fair.
So apparently Rosie’s is now also accommodation.
I also took the opportunity to properly talk to Steve.
I explained why I had been acting the way I had.
What had been bothering me.
Why my mental state had dropped so much.
The details are too personal for this blog.
They can stay mine.
But at the end of the conversation, Steve said something very simple.
“Thank you for talking to me.”
And somehow that meant a lot.
He didn’t say thank you for explaining myself.
He didn’t say thank you for solving anything.
Just:
thank you for talking to me.
It made me feel appreciated.
And honestly, looking back, today ended up being very different from what I expected when I first read my Co–Star.
I thought the day might be about criticism.
About people saying things about me.
About whether I could stay calm while somebody tested me.
But instead, today became about conversation.
James listened.
He took some responsibility too.
Steve listened.
And instead of judging me, he thanked me for trusting him enough to speak.
Maybe that is the useful part of today’s message after all.
Not everybody who speaks loudly is right.
Not everybody who criticises you deserves to live in your head.
But sometimes, if you stay calm long enough, you also get to hear the quieter things.
Understanding.
Accountability.
Thank you for talking to me.
By then, Mariele had finished her shift, so we stayed back for drinks.
I was also waiting for a friend.
And honestly, I think I’ve written enough for one day.
Whatever happens from here can belong to tomorrow.
Some nights are better lived first and written about later.