I opened Co–Star when I woke up today.
The message was:
You don’t have to convince anyone that you’re smart.
And underneath it was another line I liked:
Let them impress themselves while you get things done.
I don’t know whether the universe was actually trying to prepare me for anything.
Probably not.
But I liked the reminder.
I don’t need to win every argument.
I don’t need everybody to agree with me.
I don’t need to prove that I understand something just because somebody else thinks differently.
Sometimes I can say what I think, listen to what somebody else thinks, and leave it there.
Which, as it turns out, became relevant almost immediately.
Because last night, after I finally clocked out from everything, another piece of relationship news landed in my lap.
Apparently it really is break-up season.
One of the security guards we had working told me that he and his girlfriend had broken up.
And weirdly enough, I had served them during what ended up being their last date night.
Now,
before anybody gets the wrong idea,
I am not happy that somebody’s relationship ended.
A breakup is still a breakup.
Someone is probably hurting.
But…
if the universe is currently taking requests…
and there were ever a chance for something to happen between me and him…
I would not complain.
At all.
He is very much my type.
And from what I know of him, he seems sweet.
Kind.
Caring.
All extremely dangerous qualities to show me right now.
I asked him a question that was probably far too personal:
“Why did you break up?”
And, surprisingly, he actually told me.
The answer led us into a conversation about gender and pronouns.
I gave him my opinion.
And I know it is an opinion that some people would strongly disagree with.
There are parts of modern conversations around gender identity that I genuinely struggle to understand.
I have my own way of thinking about sex and gender.
Other people have theirs.
I can respect somebody’s right to identify however they feel comfortable, and I’m happy to address somebody respectfully, even if my personal understanding of the subject is different from theirs.
But I also don’t think respect should require either person to pretend they believe exactly the same thing.
Maybe that’s the important part for me.
I can say:
I see this differently.
And someone else can say:
So do I.
And neither of us necessarily has to turn the other into an enemy.
Maybe Co–Star had a point today.
I don’t have to convince anybody.
And they don’t have to convince me.
Anyway.
Enough philosophy.
Coffee.
My normal coffee order is already slightly questionable.
Four shots is basically standard.
If I wake up exhausted and know I have a long shift ahead of me?
Six.
Sometimes seven.
Which sounds ridiculous when I write it down.
But in my defence, I used to work at Starbucks.
I think being a barista permanently damaged my ability to be intimidated by espresso.
One day, the barista making my coffee actually asked whether I was okay because I ordered six shots.
I just told her:
“Long day.”
After that, I think she stopped being surprised.
Now it’s probably just:
Oh. Him again.
HAHAHAHA.
Then something else happened today that reminded me that leaving social media doesn’t necessarily mean losing the connections that existed through it.
There’s a Malaysian woman here who makes homemade nasi kerabu.
I ordered from her a long time ago after seeing one of her posts.
Now that I’m not really on Facebook anymore, she actually messaged me directly to ask whether I wanted some again.
Obviously.
Yes.
I ordered two.
One for me.
One for my friend.
Originally I was supposed to travel all the way to Sylvia Park to collect them.
Which I was mentally preparing myself for.
Then she told me her husband was already coming into town and could drop mine off along the way.
Thank God.
Nasi kerabu without the Sylvia Park mission.
Instant improvement to the day.
And then I got to work.
Something felt wrong almost immediately.
Not dramatically wrong.
Nothing terrible happened.
I just felt…
off.
I kept kicking tables.
Dropping things from trays.
Dropping things from tables.
Dropping things from my hands.
At one point I think gravity just personally decided it had a problem with me.
And even aside from the clumsiness, I could feel that my usual energy wasn’t there.
My vibe was off.
I was tired.
I didn’t really know why.
And that bothered me slightly because lately I’ve been trying to understand my emotions more clearly.
But maybe today wasn’t a day that needed understanding.
Maybe today was simply an off day.
No explanation.
No dramatic cause.
No lesson.
Just:
I don’t really like today.
And apparently that is allowed too.
Fortunately, I had nasi kerabu.
Everyone at work immediately became fascinated by one specific thing:
the rice was blue.
Which made me laugh because it’s such a normal thing to me.
But watching people encounter Malaysian traditional food and immediately stare at the rice like:
WHY IS IT BLUE?
was genuinely funny.
At least I had good food.
And maybe something familiar from home was exactly what I needed on a day where everything else felt slightly strange.
The rest of the shift actually went by pretty easily.
Nothing particularly dramatic happened.
My energy never completely transformed into some amazing mood.
But the day softened.
And by the end of it, I started wondering what I wanted to do afterwards.
Maybe I wouldn’t drink tonight.
Maybe I’d get drunk.
Maybe I’d go somewhere.
Maybe I’d go home.
I genuinely didn’t know.
And then I realised something.
I had been writing all day.
Recording everything.
Thinking about everything.
Trying to preserve how everything felt.
Which I love.
This blog has become important to me because putting my thoughts somewhere means they don’t have to keep taking up space in my head.
But at some point, documenting life can also become another way of standing slightly outside of it.
So I decided to stop.
Not permanently.
Just for the night.
I didn’t need to know how the rest of today would fit into the story yet.
I didn’t need to decide whether tonight would become meaningful.
I didn’t need to predict what mood I’d be in.
I didn’t even need to know whether I was going to drink.
I just wanted to put myself out there.
And see what happened.
Maybe that is what today’s message actually meant to me.
You don’t have to convince anyone.
Maybe that includes myself.
I don’t need to convince myself that every day has meaning.
I don’t need to turn every feeling into an explanation.
I don’t need to defend every opinion until somebody agrees with me.
I don’t need to prove that an off day was secretly a good day.
Sometimes I can just say:
today felt weird.
The coffee was strong.
The nasi kerabu was good.
The rice confused everyone.
I dropped everything I touched.
And now I’m going outside.
The rest can happen without me narrating it.